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This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things: The Expendables

May 14, 2010

The 13 year old in me squealed upon hearing about the upcoming summer release The Expendables, but the grown up in me knows this has got disaster written all over it. When Van Damme and Seagal both say, “Thanks, but no thanks.” to your film, you’ve got some problems. These aren’t guys known for their ability to attach themselves to quality projects. Hard Target and The Glimmer Man were entertaining films to be sure, but not on par with In the Bedroom or Chariots of Fire.

Eric Roberts and Mickey Rourke? Seriously, that’s like bringing both macaroni salad and potato salad to a picnic. While watching the trailer – which was edited by Stallone and is quite terrible – I kept thinking: this has got to be some kind of SNL skit or tease for the MTV Movie Awards. Apparently, this is a real film with a scheduled release in August, which essentially is the film industry’s not-so-subtle way of telling the world they’ve given up hope on your film.

It’s unnecessarily cruel to mention Stallone wrote and directed this mess.

Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Mickey Rourke, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Steve Austin, Terry Crews, Dolph Lundgren, Bruce Willis, Eric Roberts and The Governator.

That said, if you need me the second weekend in August, you know where to find my punk ass.

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13 Comments leave one →
  1. May 14, 2010 4:29 pm

    that’s like bringing both macaroni salad and potato salad to a picnic.

    LOLOL… This screen’s going to need some cleaning now :)

    I think both salads will be needed this summer, considering the amount of HAM in this movie.

  2. May 14, 2010 4:31 pm

    And bring three different kinds of fried chicken too.

    I am stunned into silence. Seriously, I cannot believe what I have seen/read.

  3. May 14, 2010 4:32 pm

    I’m thinking extra crispy.

  4. evmaroon permalink
    May 14, 2010 4:35 pm

    And we all know how quickly mayonnaise goes bad in the sun. Like knife-wielding, corner you in an alley bad. Bad like this film is gonna be bad.
    Hey, every summer needs its Last Action Hero.

  5. May 14, 2010 4:43 pm

    The conversation went like this:

    Stallone: I wanna get the old crew together, you, me, Willis and maybe Carl. And some of those new kids (these “kids” are well into their forties). What do you think?

    Govenator: You took all the forks when we closed Planet Hollywood.

    Stallone: I know, but like, let’s forget about all that. What do you say?

  6. IrishUp permalink
    May 14, 2010 4:49 pm

    From the link: “We’re already working on an [Expendables] sequel”
    Just so we don’t have to endure that annoying wait between the hotdogs and the hamburgers.

    BTW – I love “This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things”. It reminds me of so much of my growing up: the smiles, the tears, the broken shards of family “heirlooms”….

  7. May 14, 2010 4:56 pm

    There’s got to be a good amount of tongue-in-cheek (if not just cheek) in this production, considering some of the characters’ names:

    - Jet Li as Yin Yang, a Chinese expert of martial arts.
    – Dolph Lundgren as Gunnar Jensen, a Swedish sniper. Jensen hates Yin Yang and fights with him frequently.
    – Terry Crews as Hale Caesar, Yin’s best friend and a weapons specialist.
    – Randy Couture as Toll Road, demolitions expert.
    – Mickey Rourke as Tool, a former Expendable, now an arms dealer and tattoo parlor artist/owner.

    And casting Rourke as a tattoo artist is inspired… I mean, who else would you trust with adorning your skin?

  8. May 14, 2010 4:59 pm

    And casting Rourke as a tattoo artist is inspired… I mean, who else would you trust with adorning your skin?

    Maybe Michael Dudikoff or Tom Berenger. I wonder if they turned down this project too.

  9. May 14, 2010 8:06 pm

    Jet Li as Yin Yang is the best since Kam Fong as Chin Ho.

  10. hsofia permalink
    May 15, 2010 1:08 am

    My dad is totally going to see this movie.

  11. May 15, 2010 1:51 am

    I kept thinking: this has got to be some kind of SNL skit or tease for the MTV Movie Awards. I fully said the exact! same! thing! when my friend and I saw this preview before “Kick-Ass”. It was so unreal!

    I feel like an alternate title for this movie could be Men With Restylane.

  12. May 15, 2010 6:46 am

    Your dad is awesome.

  13. Kia permalink
    May 15, 2010 6:59 am

    @hsofia: this is right up my dad’s alley too. I’ll probably have to sit through a holiday DVD viewing come Christmas.

    For many years Stallone was trying to get a Poe bio pic off the ground. I knew someone who interviewed him and his passion for this “project of the heart” was apparently quite endearing. Maybe this will give him enough Hollywood currency to get it made. I know you’ll be doing your part at the box office snarky!

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