Security the Wilford Brimley Way: It’s the Right Thing to Do.
William Devasher, the sinister head of security for Bendini, Lambert & Locke runs a purty tight ship. Look mutherfucker, he gets paid to be suspicious when he’s got nothing to be suspicious about. He’s got to keep an eye on these shifty Xerox and fax happy junior associates, so best not be getting in his way. When it comes Mr. Devasher you’ve got two choices: The easy way (not being blown to bits on a fishing boat) or The hard way (being blown to bits on a fishing boat in the Caymans after first having some really raunchy photos sent to your widow to be.)
Devasher is robustly played by Wilford Brimley in a stunning example of against type casting. He’s one of the best part of The Firm and here’s his tips for keeping things neat and real orderly like.
Wear dark glasses.
- Now these glasses don’t have to be all the way dark, but just blue blocker enough to keep wayward employees from being able to see the laser beams you call eyes.
Set some examples.
- Someone trying to leave the firm? Well we can’t be having that kind of mutiny. Send those traitors on a nice junket to the Caymans; be sure to bring along a really creepy guy who looks like the love child of Max Zorin and Mr. Joshua.
Develop an interest in photography.
- A picture does really says a thousand words and when most of those words are of the “ooh give it to me, baby” variety, no doubt even the most resistant of associates – cough Mitch cough – will quickly get on message. The Firm strongly discourages not getting the fucking message.
Tell other people how to do their job.
- One of the partners cutting up in class? School him big time. Tell him what his job his by alluding to your own. Ask him if he likes getting into a car without it blowing up. That should cut down on some of that back talk. Folks get real quiet when forced to examine the harsh reality of their own demise.
Drive a big ass old lady Buick.
- Preferably burgundy, but gunmetal gray is nice too. Bonus points for taking corners and U-turns like a retired cop, because most likely you probably are. Fish tailing is for closers.
Take your lumps graciously.
- Even the best of security experts will find themselves getting the oats kicked out of them by a Xerox and fax happy junior associate who has just fucking had enough. Go down graciously knowing you’ve served your organization well. Retirement is just another word for nothing left to lose.