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Late Night Movie Reviews: Rocky IV

April 9, 2010

Hey, why not. Caution this review contains spoilers.

    @snarkysmachine: Previously on Rocky III…Rocky beats Clubber. Unfortunately, Balboa was unaware this would not bring back Mickey who died from CRUSH injuries sustained from Rocky’s piling on every trope in hopes of earning another Oscar.

    @snarkysmachine: Rocky and Apollo get into the scraps so profoundly it results in Rocky gaining 20 lbs, a new hair cut and aging four years – all in the span of a couple of hours.

    @snarkysmachine: first mention of “punchy” of the evening. I suspect I will be light a 2 liter of diet coke when all the punches are thrown.

    @snarkysmachine: robot maid ftw.

    @snarkysmachine: ahhh a little night music. my money’s on “take you back” since it appears to be the only song Rocky knows.

    @snarkysmachine: adrian’s like “I’m a Coppola, I shouldn’t have to put up with this crap.” At least her face says that.

    @snarkysmachine: okay here’s where the caviar meets the cracker. Drago and Mrs. Drago. Talk about your flavorless love.

    @snarkysmachine: we would like to beat up on – how do you say – your paper champion Rocky.

    @snarkysmachine: you know the other day I was just thinking the next time I wash my Ferrari I’m so gonna bump a deep cut from Go West. I like how all the songs on the soundtrack spell out the plot points for the cheap seats. *Rocky uses the phone* “someone’s on my line and / I got a bad connection”. Wait, did BDeP direct this thing?

    @snarkysmachine: it makes a boxer a better cheater by harnessing all his strength in the form of an steroid injection.

    @snarkysmachine: Drago needs some gold panties and he could sing “Sword of Damocles”. That ain’t no lie.

    @snarkysmachine: DOUBLE OR NOTHING alert! K-Loggins and Gladys. The king of the soundtracks and the queen of the quiet storm.

    @snarkysmachine: whenever adrian lectures Rocky or Apollo she channels Babs a la The Prince of Tides.

    @snarkysmachine: the “Where do we go, Stallion” speech. Black Acting School! *angelic chorus*

    @snarkysmachine: I have retired more men than social security.

    @snarkysmachine: Apollo talks a lot of smack for someone whose about to get beat into the grave. this part’s tedious to watch. bring on James Brown.

    @snarkysmachine: drago does not approve of this – how do you say – smack talking.

    @snarkysmachine: it’s undeniably real, so, stallion, leave a tender moment alone.

    @snarkysmachine: Stallion’s wearing an obscene amount of eyeliner. I think I had that same Hugo Boss sweatshirt in junior high!

    @snarkysmachine: ugh this freaking score. Tommy Repetitive and his One Note Orchestra.

    Eddie Murphy, eat your heart out!

    @snarkysmachine: okay, now we’re cooking with gas! Funky soul gas.

    @snarkysmachine: is like the tower of power off to a prom in 1978 after this gig? Look at those fucking suits. Hell meet No.

    @snarkysmachine: Rocky loves the ladies. adrian made a face like,”well, pick one and ask her.”

    @snarkysmachine: okay, punch, punch punch, die die die. Damn, Rocky, THROW in the blood soaked towel.

    @snarkysmachine: well that’s the name of that tune. damn. good story, but hated to see apollo go.

    Apollo Creed Rocky I - Rocky IV Smack Talk Body Rocker

    @snarkysmachine: I think we know what comes next! MONTAGE! I heard a rumor that Rod Tepper – song heard over the montage – is his cousin too. Just like Survivor. Well I guess that solves the mystery, gang.

    @snarkysmachine: Rocky Balboa in V for Vendetta. I like how the montage not only reflects on the past, but also foreshadows events to come. I guess they ran out of classic footage or something.

    @snarkysmachine: Rocky’s looking pretty sweet in that shirt and tie. Though I can do without the melodramatics and why isn’t he worried about is finances? Hasn’t he seen Rocky V? It’s all jacked up. Take you back, indeed.

    @snarkysmachine: finally the monage. oh the best part is if you’re not into rocky or into the whole brevity thing you can just watch this and not have to deal with the preceding three movies.

    @snarkysmachine: yeah bitchez, it’s on. SOTHPAW in the hizzie.

    @snarkysmachine: I like how Rocky’s memories mesh well with the music he’s listening to. Though I wonder what it says when he has more memories of Apollo than Adrian.

    @snarkysmachine: I find the timber fall of apollo juxtaposed with Rocky’s own timber falls to be especially DePalmalicious.

    @snarkysmachine: another country. another Survivor song. Burning Heat. No, seriously, my cousin has this band. You’ll love them…

    @snarkysmachine: Rocky’s kid so effing annoying. I think they he got repossessed too when they lost everything in Rocky V.

    @snarkysmachine: you can tell they’re russian cause they don’t have any sense of humor.

    @snarkysmachine: all this chow chow about apollo being that other trainer’s son or son like figure. Yet he couldn’t keep him alive, but oddly enough Rocky didn’t fire him.

    @snarkysmachine: ooh beard watch! Beginnings of the beard of sorrow.

    @snarkysmachine: I hate how you have to suffer through Rocky’s first unsuccessful attempt at training in every one of these films. It’s so tiresome. Can adrian get her ass over to Vancouver – err – Russia so we can get the party started.

    @snarkysmachine: Drago’s training on the Starship Enterprise.

    @snarkysmachine: this whack training score sounds like the music from the Soloflex infomercials.

    @snarkysmachine: okay we get it. Rocky’s lo fi and moral and the other guy is a cyborg and naughty.

    @snarkysmachine: ha. Rocky wears the same clothes out in public I do. stretchie pants, boots and a puffy jacket. I look better in mine.

    @snarkysmachine: now we’re getting it. Here comes Adrian and here comes that glorious Nighthawks beard of redemption.

    @snarkysmachine: that’s what I’m talking about. Hearts on Fire! It’s interesting that rocky and Mrs. Drago were married during this, considering they have no chemistry. She more has with her fake russian husband.

    @snarkysmachine: *still training* time for a potty break.

    @snarkysmachine: Khaaaaaaaaaaaah!

    @snarkysmachine: What did Stu Nahan do besides provide fake boxing color commentary for Rocky movies?

    @snarkysmachine: the worst about rocky movies – the boxing. I guess I’ll cycle through some laundry.

    @snarkysmachine: ooh tropes. cold russian politicians, peasantish crowds who scream horrible things at the west. One man, an American brings them together. Hudson on the Moscow.

    @snarkysmachine: please stand – or we’ll cut your toilet paper access – for some rousing communist soul music.

    @snarkysmachine: I must break you. do these people not learn from previous smack talkers? Ray Ray better come tell Drago a story.

    @snarkysmachine: Drago’s about to get his ass beat and sent to clean bird shit out of cuckoo clocks somewhere in the permafrost.

    @snarkysmachine: yes, adrian, you did shave your legs for this.

    @snarkysmachine: ahh finally the KO. ROCKY BALBOA HAS ROCKED THE WORLD. ROCKY WINS!

    @snarkysmachine: you can’t burn a flag but you can do that to it. (Drew Carey)

    @snarkysmachine: oops. Sorry. I need to be paying attention to the message. I scream. You scream. We all scream for the right to self determination.

    @snarkysmachine: aww rocky gives a shout out to his kid.

    @snarkysmachine: LOL “The Godfather of Soul – James Brown”. Look at these fucking credits. !!! Dan Hartman wrote “Living in America”.

    @snarkysmachine: and us taking out, “Hearts on Fire” by John Cafferty and the Beaver Picture Brown Boys.

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. April 9, 2010 6:56 am

    At least Talia had the good taste to die offscreen between Rockies V and VI… the “who can we kill off this episode” was starting to get tedious.

    Reading this is as much fun as watching the movie. Oh and you get bonus points for the Rocky Horror reference!

  2. mcm permalink
    April 9, 2010 10:59 am

    @snarkysmachine: the “Where do we go, Stallion” speech. Black Acting School! *angelic chorus*

    Hollywood Shuffle? Damn, I haven’t seen that movie in forevah. So funny. Off to get a Winky Dinky Dog….

  3. April 9, 2010 11:15 am

    mcm – Hoecakes!

  4. April 9, 2010 4:00 pm

    I will find a way to fit this into my speech everyday now:

    “okay here’s where the caviar meets the cracker.”

    This brought back so many memories of the 80’s and watching movies with my Dad as he pounded bowl after bowl of popcorn.

    “Daddy, why is the Russian guy’s hair like that?”

    “I don’t know honey, this movie doesn’t make a lot of sense.”

  5. July 2, 2010 11:56 am

    Hearts on Fire is actually one of my favorite training montages of all time!!! it’s the beard, combined with Pioneer Rustic Training v. State of the Art SCIENCE. who will win??

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